Submission Is NOT Subjugation: Why It’s Become a Dirty Word and How We Desperately Got It Wrong
I’m often frustrated at the worldly and, even sometimes, Christian take on submission. It seems there are so many opinions on the matter, but few are looking directly at the word of God to determine what it really means.
My hope with this post is to offer some encouragement to women of God, particularly those who have experienced some form of abuse in their past, which may prohibit them—at least in part—from viewing submission in the way God intends.
What Is Submission? Let’s Also Talk About What It Isn’t.
Earthly submission is defined as “an act or instance of submitting, or yielding control to a more powerful or authoritative entity.”
Immediately, we see that even our earthly understanding of submission points to God because He is our first and most powerful authority.
Jeremiah 32:17 (NLT) | O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!
Psalms 62:11 (NLT) | God has spoken plainly, and I have heard it many times: Power, O God, belongs to you.
1 Chronicles 29:12 (NLT) | Wealth and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand, and at your discretion people are made great and given strength.
From a biblical perspective, submission could easily be defined as entering into agreement with God as you walk under (prefix “sub-”, meaning “under”) His will or mission for your life. Not only that, but the Bible clearly states that submission to God should be everyone’s priority, even children.
Job 22:21 (NLT) | Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you.
Lamentations 3:26-27 (NLT) | So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline.
Hebrews 12:9 (NLT) | Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever?
2 Chronicles 30:8 (NLT) | Do not be stubborn…but submit yourselves to the Lord. Come to his Temple, which he has set apart as holy forever. Worship the Lord your God so that his fierce anger will turn away from you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) | Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Even outside the biblical context, humans are required to submit in almost every area of our lives. We submit to government officials, employers, parents or guardians, and people in positions of spiritual authority. In other words, submission is neither a foreign concept nor difficult under the appropriate circumstances.
Hebrews 13:17 (NIV) | Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.
Genesis 16:9 (NLT) | The angel of the Lord said to [Hagar], “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority.”
Titus 3:1 (NLT) | Remind the believers to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good.
Romans 13:1 (NLT) | Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.
Okay, but Let’s Talk About What Submission Isn’t
Submission is NOT:
meant for our harm (Jeremiah 29:11, below)
subjugation or oppression
a means for abuse
an avenue for living in fear (2 Timothy 1:7, below)
being silenced, or never expressing your thoughts or concerns to God (Psalm 62:8, below)
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) | "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) | For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Psalm 62:8 (NLT) | O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.
Submission in Marriage
Of course, submission to God teaches us how to submit to our future spouses. If godly submission is entering into agreement with God under His will or mission for our lives, then marital submission is entering into a shared agreement with God and our spouses under God’s collective mission or vision for the marriage.
I’m not sure why Ephesians 5:21 (below) is often overlooked when discussing marital submission, but it must be emphasized that submission is required for both husbands and wives.
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT) | And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
I often find the topic of submission to be one-sided, as it is frequently left out that God calls both parties to submit to one another. Simply put, submission is not just for women.
And then the paragraphs below Ephesians 5:21 explain this further by breaking down what each party requires. Let’s take a look at what God requires of husbands first:
Ephesians 5:25-33 (NLT) | For husbands, [submitting] means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself…
Now, let’s look at the instructions for wives:
Ephesians 5:24 (NLT) | For wives, [submitting] means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:33 (NLT) | …the wife must respect her husband.
As you can see, the differences in submission lie in what it looks like for each marital role, not whether submission is optional for one party over the other, because it isn’t.
Based on these scriptures, we can determine that marital submission is NOT:
meant for our harm. If husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the church, they should also embody the characteristics demonstrated in Jeremiah 29:11 (above). Wives should also not cut their husbands down by disrespecting them, which is harmful.
subjugation or being controlled by your spouse. Husbands should help their wives carry burdens, not create them. Like Jesus, they should also be “humble and gentle at heart” (Matthew 11:28-30, below). In the same vein, wives should not attempt to manipulate their husbands for selfish gain.
a means for abuse, neglect, or an excuse to facilitate your spouse’s selfish ambition
being silenced, or having your thoughts or concerns ignored
lying to or about your spouse to protect their ego, or an excuse to sin against God out of “allegiance” to your spouse (James 1:12-13, below)
applicable if your spouse is asking you to do something illegal, unscriptural, or immoral
Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT) | Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
James 1:12-13 (NLT) | God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.
Practical Examples of What Submitting to and Respecting a Husband Looks Like
As this website is dedicated to women of God, I’d like to share some practical examples of what marital respect looks like in wives.
Respect is:
following your husband’s lead without nitpicking, micromanaging, or holding tightly to the belief that you can do it better (1 Peter 3:6, below)
speaking positively about your husband, publicly and privately. If you don’t have anything positive to say in the moment, respect can also look like making the conscious decision not to say anything negative. To be clear, this is NOT the same as lying or saying your spouse is something he isn’t.
verbally acknowledging your husband’s skills, giftings, and contributions to your family and quality of life
being honest and saying hard things gently and kindly
understanding that a part of submitting to God is submitting to your husband. In other words, to be out of order in your marriage is to be out of order with God (aka sin).
demonstrating respect in the specific way your husband desires to be respected (ask him!). This will look different for every man. By the way, your husband should also be asking you how you desire to be loved.
1 Peter 3:6 (NLT) | For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.
The Benefits of Marital Submission
Submission, when done properly and when married to the right man, can be quite liberating. It will be an amazing experience when you’re married to an amazing man. This is because submitted wives benefit from their husbands’ godly leadership, good decision making, developed skillsets, hard work, and demonstration of godly wisdom.
By the same token, husbands who submit to their wives, by emulating Christ in their love for their wives, will benefit greatly from the respect, support, encouragement, and acts of gratitude that come from a godly helper who is super-fueled by her husband’s and Christ’s love.
In other words, every investment you make into your spouse is an investment you make into yourself. Win-win.
1 Peter 3:8-9 (NLT) | Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.
