Waiting on the Prodigal: Why the Marriage Preparation Season is So Difficult for Standing Women of God
This article was written specifically for women of God in their marriage preparation season—meaning you know exactly who your husband is because God has confirmed this for you several times in various ways.
By prodigal, I mean your kingdom spouse has not yet returned to the Lord, so you’re waiting for their salvation just as much as you’re waiting for the marriage. This also likely means your spouse does not yet resemble the man God promised you he would be.
In standing—waiting, interceding, and believing—we often find ourselves between two postures. On one hand, our Spirit knows their Spirit, which fosters a supernatural love for our God-ordained spouses. On the other hand, our spiritual state as a daughter of God repels their state as a prodigal. So, we’re caught between loving them for who they are and hating the actions that don’t yet align with God’s will for their lives.
In other words, it’s complicated.
It’s also tough to reconcile the idea of submitting to a future spouse to whom you are currently more spiritually mature (though not for long, as God will equip your husband to lead you in all things, including spiritual discipline).
With this in mind, it doesn’t take long to realize that the waiting season requires us to adopt an intended outcome we cannot see with our natural eyes, fathom with our natural mind, or control with our natural abilities.
It feels like we’re going crazy and constantly wading through spiritual quicksand.
Still, God, in His infinite grace and mercy, has allowed us the space and time to mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually prepare for our new lives as wives. Our best course of action is to stay close to the Lord while understanding the significance of this time, why we’re here, and what we can learn from it.
Your Hierarchy is Changing
Provided that you have left your father’s house or your father is not a present authority in your life, Christ ceases to be your direct chain of command when you become a wife.
1 Corinthians 11:3 (NLT) | But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
Ephesians 5:23 (NLT) | For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.
While God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit will always be THE authority in our lives as long as we remain God’s daughters, our husbands will become our new direct authority upon marriage. This new hierarchy means there will be times in our marriages when we must lean on our husband’s relationship with God rather than our own.
Hmm. Sort of like now, as we’ve been waiting and trusting that our prodigal spouses will develop an intimate relationship with Christ before the marriage can even begin. Could it be that this preparation season mimics the patience, endurance, faith, and trust required for marital success so that we have time to develop these skills at a pace that helps us grow rather than crumble?
James 1:3-4 (NLT) | For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
Not only that, but God often chooses to speak only to men concerning the next steps in their families’ lives. There are many examples of this in the Bible, but we see a clear demonstration when an angel of the Lord told Joseph to flee to Egypt to escape King Herod’s wrath.
Matthew 2:13-15 (NLT) | After the wise men were gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up! Flee to Egypt with the child and his mother,” the angel said. “Stay there until I tell you to return, because Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” That night Joseph left for Egypt with the child and Mary, his mother, and they stayed there until Herod’s death. This fulfilled what the Lord had spoken through the prophet: “I called my Son out of Egypt.”
This passage is fascinating because, within the context of Jesus’ conception, Joseph can be considered little more than a supporting character. Under these circumstances, no one would believe it odd if the angel spoke directly to Mary, as she was the only human with any biological claim over Jesus. Yet, God still chose to honor Joseph’s rightful place as leader, protector, and head of the household by giving him instructions instead. Additionally, Jesus is considered the “Lion of the tribe of Judah,” (Revelation 5:5) which is Joseph’s lineage (House of Judah), not Mary’s. All of this should tell you how vital God considers the familial chain of command.
Like Mary, there will be times in our marriages when we must follow God’s instructions given solely and directly to our husbands. Our marriage preparation season is a crash course on how to trust God by way of our future spouses—even when we don’t have all the answers, aren’t privy to all of the details, aren’t sure of what will happen next, and can’t pinpoint the timeline of what’s ahead or why we’re headed there in the first place.
1 Peter 3:6 (NLT) | For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.
Again, for many of us, this form of reliance can be an emotionally rattling and spiritually unnerving place to be, especially considering the current spiritual state of some of our spouses. This preparation season is meant to develop our endurance—even and especially when things look hopeless—because it ensures we won’t combat or even abandon (i.e., mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc.) our husbands during tumultuous times. As future protectors and providers, our God-ordained spouses must find peace and comfort in our loyalty, steadfastness, respect, and appreciation in exchange for their sacrifices on behalf of the family—even when we don’t understand precisely what those sacrifices are.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (NLT) | But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband… and the husband must not leave his wife.
Ephesians 5:33 (NLT) | So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
God also knows that humans tend to place a higher value on the things for which we must labor. What is this waiting season—and all the spiritual warfare that comes with it—if not an investment and labor of love?
1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT) | Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
The familial order is also why taking a seemingly hands-off approach concerning your prodigal spouse’s relationship with God is imperative. Let that man wrestle with God and win like Jacob (Genesis 32:22-32). I should also mention that we do not—under any circumstances—marry or even entertain the idea of dating men who do not have a relationship with God. However, we should, of course, pray for our prodigal spouses and love them with the love of Christ from a distance (unless God has specifically instructed otherwise). This “distance”—which will look different for each couple—guards our hearts and ensures that the version of the man we marry is the version that aligns with God’s perfect will for our lives and theirs.
Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) | Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Song of Songs 8:4 (NLT) | Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.
Wait for God to turn your spouse into a man capable of leading your future family well. This wait is the difference between entering a healthy marriage or one wrought with strife, instability, and uncertainty. Remember, your husband cannot lead you anywhere fruitful if he can’t hear from God because God is the only One who provides fruitful instructions.
Romans 12:2 (NLT) | Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Again, as demonstrated with Joseph, the quality of our marriages will sometimes depend on the quality of our husband’s walk with the Lord. In the same vein, the quality of our lives will also depend on the quality of the leader we marry.
Titus 1:6-9 (NLT) | An elder must live a blameless life. He must be faithful to his wife, and his children must be believers who don’t have a reputation for being wild or rebellious. A church leader is a manager of God’s household, so he must live a blameless life. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered; he must not be a heavy drinker, violent, or dishonest with money. Rather, he must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must love what is good. He must live wisely and be just. He must live a devout and disciplined life. He must have a strong belief in the trustworthy message he was taught; then he will be able to encourage others with wholesome teaching and show those who oppose it where they are wrong.
Titus 2:2 (NLT) | Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have sound faith and be filled with love and patience.
Titus 2:6-8 (NLT) | In the same way, encourage the young men to live wisely. And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. Teach the truth so that your teaching can’t be criticized. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed and have nothing bad to say about us.
Indeed, none of this is to say we shouldn’t have our own relationship with God—of course, we should! Admittedly, you wouldn’t have received a marriage promise if this was not already the case. However, it’s important to remember that marriage is, among many things, a commitment to submit to your husband in everything.
Ephesians 5:21-25 (NLT) | And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord… For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.
Ephesians 5:24 (NLT) | As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
If you submit to a man who has not yet fully submitted to Christ, you both will be submitted to the world by default. Your kingdom spouse’s primary goal should be to become more and more like Christ daily (this should be your goal as well), and this goal should also be your requirement of him before marriage vows are exchanged. Give your future husband the chance to earn his rightful place as a godly leader—in word and deed.
Colossians 3:10 (NLT) | Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT) | This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (NLT) | Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.
You’re Not Just Being Made Up; You’re Being Made Over
God is taking this time to reconstruct us from the inside out. When most women speak about this season, they often reference actions like working out, leveling up their skincare routine, or developing new ways to take care of the home.
Don’t get me wrong; these are essential tasks—after all, the primary goal of this new website is to emphasize the importance of taking care of self, home, and family well (more articles to come!). Even the Book of Esther encourages women to keep a certain standard concerning their appearance.
Esther 2:12 (NLT) | Each young woman… was given the prescribed twelve months of beauty treatments—six months with oil of myrrh, followed by six months with special perfumes and ointments.
Nevertheless, this time will include external and internal preparations because we are being pruned from the inside out. Our modern culture has permeated the hearts and minds of many women, including those in the body of Christ. We’ve been born and bred to tackle life’s challenges head-on, but God is now calling us to assume a more passive role—not as a demotion but to highlight a position that naturally lends itself to our innate sensibilities. In other words, there is just as much power in the role of a helpful and nurturing wife as there is in a protecting and providing husband. God honors both roles, and neither is considered lesser than the other. If you’ve been called to marriage, you’re being called to step into another form of your most authentic self. What an honor!
John 15:1-4 (NLT) | “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”
Matthew 7:20 (NLT) | Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.
In this time of pruning, pay careful attention to the areas God is highlighting for you to change. God is a God of order, and everything around Him must be working toward that goal—including you. When we call this period a “waiting season,” it often implies a period of idleness, but this implication could not be further from the truth.
2 Thessalonians 3:6-13 (NLT) | And now, dear brothers and sisters, we give you this command in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ: Stay away from all believers who live idle lives and don’t follow the tradition they received from us…. Even while we were with you, we gave you this command: “Those unwilling to work will not get to eat.” Yet we hear that some of you are living idle lives, refusing to work and meddling in other people’s business. We command such people and urge them in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and work to earn their own living. As for the rest of you, dear brothers and sisters, never get tired of doing good.
“Work” can be defined as many different things and applied to various areas of life, not just monetary gain. By the way, homemaking is work and absolutely counts within this context. However, my point is that our waiting seasons will undoubtedly be a time of great work—to remove anything in our lives that may be holding us back from a healthy relationship with God and our God-ordained spouses. Remember, we will need both relationships to be healthy for success in this next phase of our lives.
Ask God to show you what he wants you to work on. Only He can answer this for you, but I guarantee He will respond if you ask with the appropriate heart posture.
James 1:5-8 (NLT) | If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
Remember, part of demonstrating respect to our husbands (Ephesians 5:23, see above) is ensuring they receive the best version of ourselves we can possibly give them. This version can only be produced by working on ourselves in the ways God has instructed. Our husbands deserve the very best wives we can offer, just as we deserve the very best versions of them.
Okay, but Why Is This Season So Hard?
It seems counterintuitive that being obedient and pursuing a marriage promise God already told us was ours would be difficult. Many of us know the difference between spiritual attacks and God’s testing, which means we also understand that there are components of this season that can’t be blamed on the enemy or even our kingdom spouses.
As mentioned, I believe this period is primarily designed to build our endurance so that we are capable of holding on to the marriage once we receive it. Many of us have never been in a position where someone else’s actions and relationship with God affected the core of our own… until now. There is much to be learned about patience, cultivating spiritual acuity, and what it means to actively surrender during this time.
As alluded to previously, the more endurance we build, the less likely we are to quit when things get tough. Let this part be hard so that the marriage can be so much easier than you ever imagined.
A quick note: if you’re holding unforgiveness in your heart, remember that we forgive our kingdom spouses because we ourselves were forgiven by God. It’s as simple as that. Guard your heart. Maintain your distance. Take breaks when needed. Protect your mental health and overall well-being, but always forgive. Love anyway.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT) | If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
1 John 4:19 (NLT) | We love each other because he loved us first.
So What’s Next? What Happens After We Do the Work?
For many of us, the beginning of our marriages will leave few opportunities for “on-the-job” training. The time for training is now. Now is the time to learn how to resolve conflict and make mistakes in the process. Now is the time to grow and pace yourself so you don’t get overwhelmed. Now is the time for ironing out the kinks, developing good habits, and strengthening your relationship with God. The time is now.
For some of us, the calling on our husbands’ lives is so significant that our calling will be equally substantial and demanding. After all, we are their designated helpers.
Genesis 2:18-22 (NLT) | Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him…” Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.
With such tremendous work ahead, when God says it’s time to move, we must act whether we’re prepared or not. Our current waiting season—or allotted time of preparation—is a tangible form of God’s grace so that we can navigate our future lives more seamlessly. Use this time wisely.
I don’t believe that there is any such thing as “after the work” because the work will be ongoing until Christ returns (Matthew 28:19). However, if you are in a position to study your spouse from a distance, this would also be the time to take note of the ways you can be most helpful to him in the calling over his life. How will the skills God is growing in you help your husband? With practicality in mind, hone those skills for higher proficiency and accuracy.
Proverbs 31:10-12 (NLT) | Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Romans 12:6-8 (NLT) | In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
Again, if you’re unclear about your gifts, ask the Lord. Ask Him how those gifts will be most helpful to yourself, your husband, and your future family.
Most importantly, this is not the time to give up. You were never meant to take up residence in the wilderness. Keep forging ahead because the only way out is through, and the only way through is with faith.
Our kingdom spouses don’t yet have the luxury of depending on a well-established relationship with God to light their path. Many of them don’t yet recognize God’s voice, so for them, this season has likely been overwhelming and disorienting. Give them as much grace as possible while remaining firm in your boundaries. Like you, I know this season can be challenging in more ways than one, but it’s the season we’ve been given, and we are called to finish it well.
Psalm 119:105 (NLT) | Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
Hebrews 11:6 (NLT) | And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.
1 Corinthians 9:24 (NLT) | Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!
If you find yourself spiraling in hurt, fear, and doubt, anchor yourself to the One who has defeated every lie and scheme of the enemy. If you can’t bring yourself to pray for your impending marriage (because your kingdom spouse’s actions have caused you pain), pray for their salvation, deliverance, and subsequent consecration instead, as commanded for all believers. God will take care of the rest.
Hebrews 6:19 (NLT) | This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.
1 John 4:4 (NLT) | But you belong to God, my dear children… the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.
1 Timothy 2:1 (NLT) | I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them.
Above all, please be encouraged! If God says your marriage promise will come to pass, that’s precisely what it will do. The man your spouse is today is not the man he will be once God’s work in him is complete. He’ll be the husband you prayed for, and you’ll want to be ready when that time comes.
Wait on the Lord, but get to work in the meantime.
Psalms 27:14 (NLT) | Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT) | Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
Isaiah 40:31 (NLT) | But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Deuteronomy 31:8 (NLT) | Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Here’s some musical encouragement if you need it:
Wait on You | Elevation Worship and Maverick City